Refused Penance
by xxInspireMexx
Summary: Unable, and unwilling to forgive, a woman struggles with tremendous loss in life while her faith is more than just tested. Facing solitude in an opera house that is no longer a refuge but a mausoleum, Phantom bears the pain of loss as well. E/OW
1. Chapter 1

Kneeling at the altar I look up to the carved image of Christ. Stretched out upon the cross to save us from damnation. A part of me wanted to curse him, continue to endlessly ask why he has left me, ignored my prayers, and left me begging for his salvation only to remain in silence.

_Has it all fallen on deaf ears then? _

I wrapped my arms protectively around the slight swell of a stomach that began to show, no longer able to be concealed by layers and corsets.

How much darkness I have known Lord. How much horror brought upon me like a wave of hatred from the bowels of hell itself.

Am I so unworthy of your grace? Did you not promise your followers that you would protect them and offer everlasting life?

Have I wronged you so that you punish me so harshly?

These walls confine me in both spirit and body. Their bricks seal me from freedom, the iron gates hold back any hopes that might be hanging by a thread, while the glass taunts me with views of grass and any sort of normality.

I know all too well that kindness does not truly exist in man. Devoid of any compassion, we war against each other while hiding behind the cross as you sit in silence.

Footsteps began approaching and I knew it was time.

"Father Lhérie is here for your confession child. Please do not be so stubborn."

Stubborn? Is that what they are calling it? I felt my mouth curve into a sarcastic smile at her words my stomach churning in the presence of that man. Those frigid blue eyes looking down on me, threatening my words into silence.

"Adriana please! Tell us who the father is and repent child! You have sinned greatly with your promiscuity!"

I shot up from the floor boring my eyes at the Mother Superior like flaming daggers.

"Promiscuity? Are you daft old woman?"

My head flung to the right stinging from her strong slap across my face.

"Hold your tongue foolish girl! Atone for what you have done and perhaps you can find some forgiveness in this world!"

A light laugh came out of my mouth from hearing her words. Forgiveness? Why would I ask for such a thing when I did nothing wrong?

"Never!" I hissed. A hand clasped down on my shoulder pushing me down onto the ground.

She left the room while my eyes followed her as she shut the door. Echoing an ominous noise as it shut me in to endure what was to come.

"Who is the father of your devil child girl?"

His voice was harsh like gravel violently strewn about after a heavy rain. It boomed off the walls and I looked into the eyes of Christ.

_Your indifference being the worst punishment I have endured._

I then closed my eyes to brace myself for the beating.

A crack of the whip slashed against my skin opening it and feeling like molten fire. I stifled the scream in my throat as I looked into those eyes. He would enjoy hearing me beg, to wish death before any more torment, but I had no plans in giving him that joy. I bit down and could taste a pool of blood in my mouth as another lashing came down upon me.

"Who is he whore!"

I grasped the rosary that was given to me for prayer during my beating and it filled me with disdain to feel the beads one by one soaking up the blood from my hands as if encouraging me to bleed more for it.

"You know who he is Lhérie. Or have you forgotten your nightly visits to my room whilst I slept?"

The words rolled off my tongue like acid, disgust filling me looking at him. Still hearing his heavy breaths in my ear while his calloused hand muffled my screams.

"I'll kill you before you tell anyone!"

He brought the whip down with all his malice and my vision clouded while my body swayed forward onto my palms. I looked towards him and my eyes fell on the white collar that adorned his fat neck and a bitter laugh came out of me.

"Your faith means nothing old man. You are nothing more than a pawn of the Devil that has the audacity to wear the garb of a man of God!"

"Shut your mouth little bitch!"

He began striking me with his fists, every hit making a sickening sound against my marred flesh; the blood adorning the floor like a crimson wave. He picked me up and pushed me towards the other side of the room knocking over stacks of scripture and pens. He knelt down beside me grabbing a fist full of my hair.

"The dead do not speak child."

A flash of light caught my eye and in his hand was a silver dagger he kept on his person. The blade embedded itself into my side robbing the air from my lungs, and before he could deal another blow I reached for a knocked over lit candle. I rammed it into his eye socket his scream and the smell of his burning flesh filled the room, and I admit I welcomed it.

"Little whore! I'll kill you!"

He stumbled onto the ground and I managed to pick myself up and make my way out to escape. I pressed my hand against the wound that soaked my dress and I stopped to take the money from collections I had been gathering and made my way to the stables. Still hearing his cries and curses I mounted the horse with a yell of pain and sped off into the dark.

Away from this damned place.


	2. Chapter 2

Sunlight filled the room making my eyes open to see my little one sleeping peacefully next to me. I smiled looking at his face and ran the back of my hand down his cheeks that were warmed by the light. He smiled slightly letting a lock of his unruly dark hair to fall.

How much you have grown these past five years.

Away from the hell I was in when you were still in my womb. He opened his eyes and met mine and his smile grew wider. That smile was all I ever needed to keep going in this life; it filled me with such love all the hate and bitterness inside of me seemed defeated. His light my beacon in so much darkness.

"Mamá can we play outside like you promised last night?"

_Could I deny you anything my love?_

He had fallen asleep only after I sang to him since his excitement for the morning to come was keeping him awake. Watching the clock as if trying to make it go faster. But I wanted time to go as slowly as possible. Letting me enjoy each day with him marveling in every milestone and sweet words he spoke.

He looked at me with his large almond colored eyes that pleaded with me to say yes as if I could have any other answer. I ran my hand through his hair and shook my head in agreement. He paid me with a joyful squeal pulling me upright to get out of bed.

"Alright I'm up _amor._" I laughed "The sun is shining but remember it is still cold outside. There is still a lot of snow on the ground."

I gave him a playful smile when I spoke the last words and he began to run to get his jacket and gloves. I walked towards the armoire to gather something to wear and my hand went to rest on my hip and I once again was reminded of the past. The scar he gave me from his dagger was raised from the rest of my skin but faded over the years. I could still feel it when there was little fabric under my touch. I shook myself from my thoughts grabbing my cloak and clothes to enjoy the day with my son rather than spend it with my memories. I walked towards the door to find a very anxious boy waiting for me.

"Andrés don't forget your hat."

I knelt down placing the garment on his head and cupped his face in my hands. It felt as though every time I looked at him I loved him more. I placed a soft kiss on his forehead and he wrapped his arms around me and I held him in our loving embrace. Tears welled up in my eyes and my heart filled with so much joy I had never known before him.

_Como te quiero mi vida. _

I wiped them away as to not alarm him, and before I had finished opening the door all the way he ran out picking up the snow and throwing it in the air. His joyful laughter filled the air as the snow whipped up and came down on him.

"Look! I'm making it snow mamá!"

We both burst out laughing and I swept him up in my arms and twirled him around.

"You certainly are my love! And oh you are getting so big I can barely carry you!"

"Yes mamá! I am a big strong boy and when I am older I will take care of you like you take care of me now right?"

"Yes _amor_. But you will have your own family to take care of."

But you will always stay with me right mamá?"

He stopped and turned to face me his eyes becoming saddened by his thoughts. I could barely stand to see him like that. I took a deep breath and lifted his chin to look into his eyes.

"Andrés, I will always be with you _hijo. _I promise you."

I took off my necklace that he always fiddled with before sleeping, his eyes closing with a small finger wrapped in gold mouthing a few words to the song before he drifted into slumber. I clasped it around his neck and he smiled stroking the pendant in his hand.

"This is yours now Andrés. Look at it and know that I am close to you always. _Siempre_."

I scooped him up into my arms and against the fabric of my cloak I heard him say,

"Te amo mamá."

Those words always made me want to weep for joy and I begged for time to stay still so I could enjoy this moment forever.

"I love you so much Andrés. _Con toda mi alma_."


	3. Chapter 3

Days past and we both enjoyed our time together. Andrés would insist on helping me make meals, propping himself up on a chair to stir the soup and adding in vegetables I cut. At night he would choose books to read and would have been content staying up until dawn finishing them all if I had not told him we both needed rest.

He had taken a nap so I decided to take the opportunity to gather more wood. A couple of slim trees had collapsed from rot, and were dry inside and perfect for burning. I steadied myself to swing the axe when a blood curdling scream filled the air causing me to drop it.

That scream.

That horrible scream.

It sliced through my mind like a hot blade and before I could tell my body to move I was running towards it.

"Andrés!"

I cried out my son's name with every bit of air in my lungs. I felt my tears streaming down my face and I screamed out his name again.

Why was he screaming like that?

I ran even faster picking up my feet so they barely touched the ground. My head was pounding, and a thousand horrendous thoughts filled my mind. He sounded like a wounded animal, letting out one more final death cry right before it was slaughtered mercilessly. I jumped up the stairs and burst through the door. And just for a second I was paralyzed. As if a wall had manifested in front of me and I could not proceed any further. I prayed my eyes were lying to me, and this scene in front of me was no more than a cruel nightmare.

My little boy, lying on the ground soaked in blood.

In just two strides I was on the ground lifting him to me. His eyes were fighting to stay open.

"_Hijo_! Stay awake! Don't shut your eyes!"

I felt the intense heat from the crimson liquid that soaked the floor. Oh God how could so much blood come from such a small body? I ripped at my dress furiously pressing it to the gaping wound on his chest.

"Andrés! Andrés! God save him I beg you!"

I shook him so he could remain conscious my tears swirling the blood on his face.

I wiped at the blood, and picked him up off the ground and carried him to the kitchen. I laid him on the table and knocked everything on top over to rest him upon it. He just stared at me. I screamed for someone, anyone to help and his eyes never left me.

"I will be right back _amor_, I need to get bandages and supplies from the bathroom, I will be right back I promise you!"

He still stared at me, his eyes glazed and I begged for him to give me some kind of response that he knew what I was saying. I kissed his cheek, and ran off to the bathroom whipping open the cabinets like a mad woman in search of what I needed. I came back and I could see his chest moving rapidly up and down.

"You are going to be alright _mi_ _niño_, I am going to take care of you."

I thought I saw him smile faintly, I could have just imagined it but I wanted to believe he did. I wrapped the gauze around his chest and it was soaking faster than I could unravel it. I desperately grabbed a towel and pushed it down to try to stop the flow. He was looking at me now directly, but it was if he could not see me.

"You are going to be alright my love, please stay awake I beg you!"

I kissed his face all over and gasped when I felt how cold it was.

_Oh please no. Anything but this. _

I needed a doctor, and before I could think twice I wrapped a cloak around his small body, and ran out of the house.

"Keep looking at me Andrés. Don't fall asleep _amor_."

I cursed myself for being such a fool as to sell the horse I had stolen. Damn it!

He nodded his head slightly and I rushed even more. The snow beating down on us both, whipping at our bodies like a cold master. I cradled him to my bosom tightly to protect him from the elements, and pressed on. My breathing was heavy and fogged the air around us, as drops of burgundy left a trail behind. I could not stop crying, I needed to know he was safe, but I could not assure myself of anything. I looked at his face, which had a sickly pallor to it that frightened me more than any ghost could have.

"I love you so much _mi niño hermoso_."

I held him even tighter, and I heard his voice which in the faintest breath said,

"_Te amo mamá_."

I began to cry so hard I thought I would collapse there, my lungs burning and giving out, but I needed to keep going for him. His body felt like it was getting heavier by the second.

As if he had become lead.

I pushed myself further but then I felt his small arm lose the grip he had on my dress and I stopped running.

I slowly pulled him away from my chest and had to fight myself to look down at him.

His eyes were open, but unseeing.

His small chest no longer barely rising, but still.

His body limp in my embrace.

I fell to my knees with him still tight to me. I yelled up to the sky, I cursed the Heavens and the Earth and all the angels. I shook his body, and put my hands on his pale cold face. I screamed into the approaching night, sobbing and barely able to get a breath in between. I held him tight and prayed to God to take me. To have my soul revive his so it would be me lifeless on the forest floor. But he remained still. Those eyes clouded over reflecting the unmoving white sky above.

"I beg you! Anything but this! I cannot bear this!"

I shouted to the clouds, to the trees that surrounded us, I wanted all life to be sucked out of anything living and be put into his body again. I prayed for my heart to stop beating, for my mind to go black, anything but enduring this. I wanted death to come for me as well. I cried into his dark hair kissing his forehead while my body convulsed from my anguish. I stayed that way cradling his lifeless form for what felt like hours. I pulled myself from the ground still holding his body tight to me and began walking. Without a care where I was going, I abandoned all direction and treaded further and further. I wanted to walk until my lungs collapsed, until all blood stopped pumping in my veins and I too was dead.

I walked with him unaware of any sense of time with him in my arms. My tears never ceasing as I looked down upon his tranquil face. The snow soaked my hair and stained gown, it clung to my body as the smell of iron laced with frost filled the air. The blood being all I could smell, it lingered in my throat and I could taste the last bit of life draining from my son's veins. I could no longer feel my limbs, but my soul felt ripped out of me by a blade leaving me in this darkness to endure the suffering.

I wanted to die.

Here from exhaustion, from freezing to death, anything that would rid me from this world that had no purpose any longer. I collapsed on the ground finally, and held him close to my side.

"This will be our resting place my love." I whispered to him. There would be no one to mourn us, here covered by a blanket of snow.

I wondered if his body would turn into a beautiful flower when spring came and melted the ice away, and breathed life into everything around us again. Each drop of blood absorbed into the ground becoming a lush bloom.

"Our grave _mi amor_. Together always… _Siempre_."

I stroked his face softly with my numbed hand, and with the tip of my finger outlined the shape of the necklace I gave him stopping at the pendant. I placed a kiss upon my angel's face, my lips lingering there on their own as if they too did not want to part from him.

There is no life without you. No world for me with you not in it.

I could not go on any further.

I did not want to.

I wanted the world to stop moving, and all to come to an end.

I turned towards my little boy to glance upon his face once more, a grace I wanted before death took me. I imagined how he would look as he became a man, thought of how tall and strong he would be, but always gentle as he was. I could barely feel my mouth curve into a faint smile at the thought, and my eyes began to close.

The sound of snow crunching under heavy boots rang in my ears but I was too weak to turn towards it.

My vision faded into dark oblivion, and at last all became silent.


	4. Chapter 4

_It was quiet tonight. The sky was still and there was no one walking the streets below. I looked down into my hand and traced my finger around the gold ring I had hoped would be on her finger for life. How I wanted to believe you would love me, even disregarding all sanity to force you to. But the heart cannot be enslaved by another's selfish desires. I have tried countless times to stretch out my hand and let go of this ring but I cannot bring myself to do so. It is a cruel reminder of what has been always out of reach, but also a reminder of you. My blessing and my curse it both drains life from me, and gives me the grace of remembering your face. I closed my palm and wept once more in the loneliness of this place. This solitude no longer a refuge but a torturous death of what remains of my blackened soul. This place nothing more than my tomb now._

_The gallop of hooves took me out of my thoughts and I peered down to see the lone carriage halt in front of my opera house. The driver leapt down and opened the door for another man. I moved around the statues that lined the roof to get a clearer view. The second man got out but did not shut the door behind him. Both men reached in for what looked like a piece of furniture covered by a tarp, but I knew they would not come here to decorate a desolate building for lark. No. This was something else indeed. They looked around the empty streets to catch a curious bystander, but relaxed when they saw no one. _

_But you are not alone. _

_I turned and made my way down to give them a formal greeting._

_I followed them down into the cellars curious as to what they had intended to do when a band of white caught my eye illuminated by the torch he carried. A smile formed on my face, and I knew I would enjoy this more than I thought. I wonder if they knew what prowled these tunnels hunting them. I tightened the catgut around my hand, and moved forward staying in the familiar darkness of the catacombs. _

"Careful you idiot! The ropes will come undone and if that happens you will be joining them in this lake!"

_. _"She is still alive Lhérie. I can see her breathing slightly. Why not finish her off?"

"I know she is alive fool! Giving her death sooner would be undeserved mercy. No. Let her suffocate and breathe this deathly water."

_He laughed at his words and I was all too ready to slip the lasso around his fat neck and silence him. _

"You are lucky the lake is here like you said Buquet. Who would have known your brother was a fool but not a liar."

_Ah, yes. Jean Buquet. It seems you are just as foolish as your brother. One does not simply walk into hell and meet the Devil himself and remain in the land of the living. _

"He found it while searching for the Opera Ghost."

_Yes, he had wandered down here carelessly and had gotten much further than I had expected. I thought the strike on the head I gave him that left him unconscious for two days would curb his curiosity, but he decided to venture down here once more. He barely lasted in the torture room before looking for mercy in the form of a noose. _

_And now you both will join him._

"Enough with your nonsense Buquet! Help me push them in the water already!"

"It has been so long since I have had any guests Monsieurs. But you have such deplorable manners! It is rather impolite of you to litter my lake with carcasses. Perhaps you would care to join them?"

_A laugh came out of me bouncing from wall to wall as both men spun around trying to look for its source._

_The water splashed and in that moment I wrapped the cord around Bouquet's neck pulling him into the fatal darkness as the sound of bones snapping echoed around bringing a smile to my face I had missed. The priest spun around trying to find me, while mouthing his lips in prayer thumbing his rosary bead by bead._

"_I'm here! I'm here Monsieur!" _

_I threw my voice around him, behind and right in his ear. He picked up his torch and ran away and I did not care to catch him. If he decided to return I would take care of him like I did to anyone who came. I looked into the water and Buquet's words filled my mind. She was still alive. _

I heard muffled voices speaking in rushed and angry tones, but could not make out the words. My arms felt weak, my wrists weighted down, and my body seemed to be covered in ice. Silence came once more.

I heard the steady swaying of water and I tried to open my eyes that felt pinned shut. Able to pry them open into slits I caught site of two glowing eyes holding a staff steady pushing us further down this path.

I laughed to myself thinking I couldn't have possibly had a coin in my mouth to pay Charon. Yet here he was, rowing me on the river Styx. Another damned soul to spend eternity condemned. My sweet child would not know such horrors in death. No. He would listen to the sighs of the lyre and sleep soundly on the bosom of grace. How I adore you, and even in death I will miss you dearly and lament over your abrupt end to life. How I wish I could have dragged that wretched excuse for a man down to hell with me; to face the fire now instead of being able to live out his miserable existence, and hurt anyone else.

Why wouldn't He cast me to the flames and shadows?

I cursed him daily for putting me at the mercy of a soulless man. That man took everything away from me, and yet it is he who is living while I wade on the water of lost souls with my silent oarsman. You have left me long ago, and it is no surprise to me that I am here, being taken to remain in eternity burning for sins forced upon me by another. You have abandoned me, and even here in death you do not consider me worthy enough for your presence. But why God? Why my child? I would have died a hundred merciless deaths so he could grow into a man.

So he could feel a wondrous kiss, hear the contented sighs of his lover, know the joys of having children, and to die blissfully in the arms of his bride from old age. Why could you not have granted him that? What reason did he have to suffer for my misfortune? My grief is too much to bear, even in death. We came to a stop and I tilted my head up slightly.

"Have I arrived oh diligent Charon?"

I felt a slight smile form sarcastically on my lips, as I fell into darkness once again losing sight of those golden eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

_I dropped the shovel on the ground next to the newly upturned dirt and stared into the hole I had made. He was so light in my arms and his features were so still and peaceful you would have assumed he was in a deep sleep had you not seen his impaled chest. I brushed his tranquil face and placed a kiss upon his forehead, and another on his cheek. I held him to me and cried. I had not asked for common things such as wooden toys or a box of sweets that doting parents gave without thought to their youngsters._

_No. I had wanted just a moment of affection from her, something I wanted so badly if she had traded it for my voice I would have gladly never sung again. I wanted to be touched by her. An embrace a mother would give to her son without thought. She saw me reach out to her with my arms open, pleading with her silently for this one grace. I barely comprehended the feeling of her forceful slap knocking me to the ground. _

"_Don't ever try to touch me you little demon! I hate you! I wish you were dead! I wish you would have killed us both when you ruined my life as you took your first breath! You will always be a monster and no one could ever love you, not even me!"_

_I stayed on the floor each word being driven into me like a dagger and my lungs felt as though they were filling with blood making me gasp for what little air I could even though I wish they would let me stop breathing. Her venomous look of disgust as she turned from me made me enraged, and hurt beyond comprehension. She dug her hands into her hair pulling on it and screaming into the empty house and left the room in a fury not sparing me another hateful glance. I curled up on the floor and cried. I hated her, I hated myself, I hated this world, and most of all I hated my face. _

_At night I would sometimes pry the mask I had always worn off my face, and it brought me some form of relief to have a few hours without it pressed against my chaffed skin. I would reach a curious hand to the flesh feeling its distorted grooves and lesions. The skin felt so much thinner on that side, as if there was not enough of it and it had been stretched out to compensate. She had always told me I was a monster, and how could anyone love a monster, but I still did not understand completely. Was my face so wrong? I knew it was not like others. She did not wear a mask and even as her youth and beauty seemed sucked out of her every time she glanced at my face as if I was death himself, she was still beautiful to me. Why? She was the person I hated most in this world, but I could not help reaching out to her. Begging for a flicker of light in this unending darkness we both lived in. Was I not her son? Was she not my mother? She made it clear that I did not deserve to be treated with any kind of love because how could anyone love such a face? I deserved this weight on me and I knew eventually my feet would slip under me and it would crush me ending the mistake that was my life. I could not deny I wanted her to feel something for me, accept me in some way._

"_Accept me. Please…"_

_I repeated the words like a prayer at night when she would scream into the dark cursing me, cursing my father, cursing God, and yelling into the nothingness that surrounded us. Isolated on this island together she pushed me further away preferring the bitter silence of unheard prayers over any company I could give. _

_You are the only thing I have in this world though, and the times I wished I could be rid of you I push the words back into my mouth because I could not stand to be without anyone. I am nearly there now, but I know that you are beyond the walls that separate us. _

_But stone and mortar are not the only things that separate us are they maman? _

_There is so much sadness in this house. So many tears from the both of us. I closed my eyes and thought of her face. I tried to manipulate it in my mind to have some kind of expression of happiness but her words screamed into my thoughts refusing me such a thing. You are ugly Erik. You are a monster, and you do not deserve to be looked at in any other way._

_I knew what beauty was. It was not having to hide your face in shame. It was a blooming flower that was kissed adoringly by the sun, and however brief its life it was never scorned for dying too soon but rejoiced for its loveliness. _

_I was the epitome of ugly. _

_Banished to remain in darkness with only hatred for me from this world. What a crime it is to be ugly. What a crime it is to be born with such a face. When she would beat me it felt with every lashing she was trying harder and harder. As if she could find something underneath my torn flesh. Something she could look at. Something she could stand and perhaps even love. _

_Love. _

_Was she ever even capable of it? It did not seem so, but at night even now I stay up wondering if she could bear to kiss me on the head, or even breathe the same air as me if I was not deformed. _

_If I was normal. _

_I climbed into the quiet attic and knew what she hid in there. _

_My steps echoed around me as I walked closer to it; hovering my hand above it daring myself to see. I clasped my hand on the worn and dusty tarp and pulled it off the large frame, and watched it slowly cascade down to the creaking floorboards. I closed my eyes and at first I was afraid to look at myself. Afraid I would try to tear my face from me hoping it was a lie. That is was just another mask. I drew my eyes up to my reflection holding my breath. _

_My face. _

_It stared back at me with all its gruesome reality and I understood then this was the face that fueled her disdain for me, and prohibited me from any kind of normalcy. This was the face that no mother could love, and no God would stand by. I began hitting the glass over and over numb to the blood spilling to the ground as the glass twisted its way into my flesh reminding me this was no nightmare. I wanted that face to break into a million pieces like the mirror, and I envied the shards that lay strewn about on the ground. Each one doused in my blood harboring a jagged perception of my reflection. It showed me aged beyond my years. It showed whatever naivety I had was just as broken as the glass beneath my feet. I reached up to my face and felt it again thinking of the reflection I saw. It would be mine forever. It would be my curse, my suffering, and inside I would become just as ugly. Just as deadly. _

_At times I tried to convince myself I never had a mother and like so many tales spun about me, or insults hurdled my way, I had been created by the Devil in his image. But I could not forget the look of horror on my mother's face every time she would find one of my precise drawings of structures I had never even seen or scores of music I had written. The hatred doused in fear since my birth she had for me filled her more daily, and with every composition, every structure I created from charcoal, and especially when I sang, filled her with such intense dread that even as a small child I understood. She was certain she brought the very antichrist unto the doomed world and kept me away from everyone although, the gossip of her demon child already condemned her to a life worse than that of a leper. Had they truly known what she housed in her womb for nine months they would have burned us both in the name of God. God could only love the ones who were not afflicted. I was a parasite. A mistake and He would make me pay for breathing any air instead of dying in the womb and burned after._

_This boy had his mother's love and while lowering him gently into the coffin I felt such intense loss, and a longing I had tried endlessly to push down. _

_To forget. If I could just forget._

_I had long ago lost all innocence and knew the hatred of this world very well. I no longer cared for the lives of men who only lived to destroy. And I too would bring destruction. I too would return their hatred. But seeing him lie beneath the ground made me miss that simple ignorance I had briefly as a child .It made me wish I had that simple need every child deserves. _

_A mother's love. _

_A part of me wished I could be in his grave. I felt envious that he knew that love and could take it with him into oblivion. _

_A long life of misery, for a brief one of joy. _

_If I had any soul I would trade it for that. I had nothing to barter with though. Nothing to give away to have such a gift bestowed on me. _

_And I never deserved it. _

_Even so near death she called for him endlessly with such despair extending out her hands as if he was so close but out of reach. She seemed trapped in a torturous limbo and I admit I wished death to take her out of mercy. I picked up a handful of the earth and released it over his coffin. Tears came once more and I began singing songs of lament for him while shoveling the dirt back in its place. It did not seem right to bury him as I did with interlopers who intruded into my opera house. To be beneath the ground in a nameless grave without any remorse or care. I felt I owed him more than that. He had been robbed of life so abruptly and I wanted him to at least have a decent place to rest his head for eternity. _

_Sleep now child, and know that you were and are still loved. _

I watched as my son ran down the seemingly endless stretch of sand picking up various rocks and shells in his path.

"Mamá! Look at the seashell I found!"

So much wonder filled his features and I wanted to memorize his face as it was. So content with such simple joys of this Earth.

"You have gathered so many _amor_. We will have to make a place in the house to display them all."

"We can put them above the fireplace, but I want to put this one beside our bed so we can hear the ocean every day."

He held the shell to his ear and smiled.

"That will be a great place for it Andrés."

I cupped his face adoringly, already laughing from thinking of him putting his ear to the shell during winter months.

_I would give you the whole ocean if you only asked it of me mi ángel._

He placed his small hand in mine, and we walked along the shore. I looked at the waves and noticed there was something strange about their movements. They did not recede back into the vast ocean once they crashed upon the shore, but instead they almost appeared to be layering on top of one another. I was confused by the sight but realized I was no longer holding my child's hand. I looked around and saw only the sand as clouds began covering the sky threatening downpour.

"Andrés where are you?"

It was colder now; the sky growing darker as I searched for my son.

"I'm right here mamá!"

I turned relieved to hear his voice, but there was something wrong. He had rolled up his pants and was in the shallow water putting his ear to the shell he found once again. A dark figure was by him and I wanted to run to him to snatch him out of that ominous water but I could not move.

"Andrés get out of the water!"

I yelled out to him but he remained in the same spot as if he heard nothing. The figure grew larger now towering over him taking shape into the form of a person.

"Oh God. Andrés! Get away from there!"

Why can I not move! He looked at me with sorrow in his eyes and my heart felt destroyed. The shadow consumed him as a large wave crashed down upon them both.

"No! Andrés! Andrés come back to me _te suplico_!"

My legs became unbound by whatever plagued them and I ran to the spot I saw him at.

"Andrés!"

I ran into the water not caring how it moved violently under the darkened sky. I searched for him but saw nothing. A wave appeared and grew larger and larger hovering over me and just at that moment I saw those eyes. Almost as if they were part of the wave. It came down on me in a swift and silent motion, consuming me entirely.

It was dark now.

I began walking placing my arms in front of me, trying to feel for any obstructions or walls.

I heard a voice that called to me like a siren calling to an ill-fated sailor, but I could not resist its unworldly song. I reached out my hands following it blindly, its ethereal beauty reducing me to tears. I have heard this voice before. It was clearer now, it asked me my name and I gave it away freely like a lover would a gentle kiss. It told me to not be afraid, and in the back of my entranced mind I felt a pang of dread and could not understand why. A name seemed to force its way into my conscious and my body became ridged as a hand clasped around my shoulder.

Andrés. Where is Andrés?

_I came back after burying the boy and found the woman where I had left her by the fireplace. I did not think she would survive more than a few hours, and her breath was shallow whispering a faint name over and over. I came closer to her and knelt down beside her to listen to the words she mouthed. She seemed terrified, her eyes moving rapidly under the closed lids as she threw her head side to side. Sweat poured from her brow and collar bone and I placed a hand on her forehead to be practically burned from the fever she had. I got up quickly to bring her an infusion of medicine and a cold cloth to stifle the fever. She began trembling as the wet fabric touched her skin and I slowly brought the cloth down her face lingering over her delicate throat. Her eyes shot open and it startled me that she had awoken from my stolen touch, but her eyes were not focused. They seemed to be watching some unseen event playing out before them, and she yelled a name in such a way a cold wind shot up my spine._

_Andrés. _

_That is the name she repeated at first in a strangled cry then in a faint whisper I have heard before closing her eyes once more. _

_She stayed that way for days, slipping in and out of consciousness although I knew she was never fully aware of her surroundings; seemingly lost within a nightmare. I tried to calm her whilst in her fitful sleep, but a soft hum would only soothe her momentarily. She was beyond my reach, and she slipped further and further away with each passing day. Her body began to grow colder as if foreshadowing her corpse within a grave. She seemed to give up the very will to live, searching in vain no doubt for the boy. I wanted her to come back, if for anything so that I would not have failed her. I left her side to take a bath and as I disrobed I heard her screams for the child once again. I walked back to find the sofa empty, and the front door opened as if she had made the lock herself. I saw her in the robe I had changed her into standing at the lake's bed screaming into the darkness. I sang a sweet song to her and she walked closer to the water. I covered her in my voice and beckoned her to come to me. She turned from the water and obeyed without question. Before she could reach out to me I placed a hand on her shoulder. _

"Wake up Adriana. Wake up now."

_Her eyes seemed to become less foggy and the haze she was in seemed to evaporate. I stepped back into the dark and saw her sway on her legs as if she had not used them before. She fell to her knees and looked around._

"What is this place?"

_Her voice was in a whisper and it seemed her question was more for herself than for anyone around, but never the less I answered. _

"You are in my home child. It is safe here, do not be afraid."

_She gasped and strained her eyes to try and find where I was standing._

"Who are you?"

_I stepped out and the blood seemed to drain from her face. She crawled back on her hands, her eyes never leaving mine. I reached out my hand to her but she did not take it. She was still fixed on my eyes when her feminine curiosity took her and she glanced over my mask with a furrowed brow. I put my hand down and turned to walk back inside the house._

"Come inside. It is far too cold out here."

_I watched her as she remained frozen to the ground and wondered if I would have to pick her up and carry her inside if she did not come in. I left the door open and went to hang my cloak, and before turning around I heard her hesitant footsteps coming near. _

"Where is he?"

_I looked back to her and she was standing on the threshold of the entrance the fog in her eyes clear now. _

"Where is who?"

_She seemed to grow agitated by my ignorance and stepped closer to me._

"I heard him speaking! Where is he? Where is my son?"

_I was shocked at first by her words, but did not understand how she did not know. Or did she choose not to accept what she knew?_

"I buried him. He was already dead for some time."

_Her eyes widened and I knew inside she wanted to curse me, to call me a liar, to scream into this isolation we now both shared, but she knew it was true. The emotions flashed in her dark eyes as tears welled in them causing them to have sheen like obsidian. She did not make a sound, but began slamming each door in my home open with false hope driving her in search for his face. But I knew inside she knew the truth. She screamed into the empty halls and finally knelt at the fireplace. She cried violently, reality no doubt seeping into her clouded mind with all its harshness. I approached her slowly from behind as she watched the flames dance and twist in the hearth. _

"I shall take you to him."

_She looked at me and I wanted to tell her she had to be strong, but could I ask such a thing of her? But even in my silence it was as though she understood my thoughts and nodded her head with resolve._

_She leapt down from the horse without even waiting for me to place a foot down and offer a hand of assistance. She discarded her cloak on the winter's floor and knelt down at the grave I had made for him in a secluded area of the forest. She seemed so much smaller now, kneeling down reaching a hand out to the ground. I walked behind her, and placed the hood of the cloak I gave her gently on her head, and covered her shoulders._

"Where will you go?"

_She did not face me, and for a few moments there was silence as she continued to stare at her son's resting place._

"It does not matter. Nothing matters anymore. I will wait here for death to take me, and this time I will have no savior.

You should have let me die.

I have no reason to wander this Earth anymore. I would have been content to be placed in the coffin with him, cradling his body for eternity.

What reason do I have for living?

I thought I had already known hatred, known sorrow, rage, and pain. But this…how could a God let this be done? Is it merely a test from him? Or most likely he does not even exist since such cruelty reins on this miserable Earth. No. Let me die here with him. I have nothing."

_Words seemed to escape my mind, and I could not even humor her with a simple condolence. What good would words do now? She was right. What kind of God, if there even is one, would permit such a thing? I wanted to laugh morbidly at the hypocrisy of it all. _

_Is no one worthy of His grace? _

_I turned and thought of obeying her wishes and mounting the horse leaving her here to freeze. _

_**It would be no burden on your back Erik.**_

_But I could not bring myself to do so and walked back to her crumpled form, and reached a hand out to her. When I touched her shoulder I expected her to recoil, to slap my hand away in disgust, but she slowly reached up her own hand and covered mine. The breath seemed knocked out of my lungs at what would appear to be such a simple gesture, but I was not prepared for it at all. She turned slightly and looked up her eyes conveying such infinite sadness I could not help but be moved by them. _

"What is your name?"

_My name? I often forgot I had one. Often forgot I was a man after all. _

"Erik. My name is Erik"

_She struggled to smile faintly through her tears and whispered words I had never expected to hear._

"Thank you."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I do not know how much time passed since I came back with this man. It felt like constant midnight down here. Hidden so far away the sun could not find this place.

I did not want to see any more light.

I did not want to see it melting through the snow to reveal a fragile bloom still asleep in its icy slumber. To see it stretch upwards to touch the warmth while my son was too far beneath the ground to feel its merciful rays.

Let it be dark here too for me. Let it be like a tomb. I am but a ghost now.

I did not light any lanterns or stoke the fire in this room. The flames grew hungry, and pleaded with me to feed it sweet chestnut branches, but I ignored its wishes.

I felt no cold. I felt no desire to see anything around me.

All was black and I was waiting for death to come for me once again.

I will not escape you this time. You have even sent your oarsman for me.

Too long have I been on this Earth.

I felt aged beyond my years, haggard from this suffering that has taken all youth from me.

He had picked me up off the ground where my son was at rest without a word and placed me on his horse. I said nothing, and if he had left me in the middle of a desert I would have not complained. It did not matter what happened to me now. He carried me into this room and placed me on the bed. Inside a feeling panged its way into my stomach filling me with disgust.

_Let it be quick, and hopefully he will kill me when he is done. _

But he turned and left the room, silence filling the air as the door shut behind him without a sound. I did not sleep. I did not eat.

For what would a ghost do with bread or a warm bed?

This man, Erik, he did not seek me out to spout words of condolence, nor to satisfy his baser needs. I was grateful for his silence.

What could be said for such a loss?

I once thought that when a mother loses her child apart of her heart dies, but I have died completely. I am now but an animated corpse with no heart to pump life through my veins. That was taken with your life _mi amor_. For my heart belonged to you alone, and only beat and made me feel alive when I saw you smile. When I held you close me.

"And now you are…"

I could not bring myself to admit it out loud. Those words should never be for a child.

_My child. _

And yet his still face flashed in my mind repeatedly and I could still smell the blood. I scrubbed at my flesh and my nails, brushing until I was raw but I seemed to always be covered in it. I wanted all that was left of me to empty into the drain along with the water mixed with my tears.

I remember hearing voices that were first unclear, but I could never forget his.

_Let her suffocate and breathe this deathly water._

And then came his laugh.

My skin filled with bumps as it echoed around in my mind in all its cruelty.

I couldn't protect you from himAndrés. I couldn't save you.

I am so sorry. I am so very sorry.

When I had found out I was with child from those vile nights I kept to myself in fear, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted both of us to die out of mercy. I could no longer carry this cross forced upon me, and did not want to suffer any longer. I could not bear the thought of you suffering as well at his hands. But despite having my flesh taken in the most horrendous way you had no blame. You were pure and untouched by his malice and did not deserve to be punished for the cruelty of this world. There were times when I looked at the statue of the _Madre de Dios_ and saw how she held her son in her arms. A sacrificial lamb for all our evil doings. But what right did I have sacrificing you on my own accord along with myself little one?

_There was life now. _

There was life inside me growing, and with that life grew hope for the first time. Hope that I could have someone to love me, and love in return.

_Flesh of my flesh. Blood of my blood. _

A heart beating ever so softly in my womb that needed me as much as I needed it.

A child. _My child_.

I needed to leave that place that was a sanctuary to some, but my very own Hell.

I rode hard into the night pressing a rag to my side while trying to remain awake. I was practically dead when I had reached a house on the border of La Roche-Guyon. Collapsing off of my horse, I began trying to drag myself to the entrance. Faintly I heard someone call out, and with my fading vision I saw someone approaching. I could not speak but I reached my hand out towards them and I felt someone clasp onto it. I lost consciousness and awoke in a bed with my side stitched and bandaged. But the pain had only intensified, and my body felt as though it was being ripped in half from my core, and sweat drenched my skin. The pounding of my head was deafening and the pain sent waves of agony down my neck and back.

_This is what dying feels like then. _

An old woman appeared at my side, her eyes were clouded but her hands provided her vision.

"Stay awake child. Your baby is coming."

At first I could not hear what she said as shock filled me, but she repeated the words this time in a firm yell that brought me back to reality.

_How can that be? It is too soon._

That ripping pain pulsed through me again and I yelled out grabbing the bed post and digging my nails into the wood. My breath would not come in anything but frantic gasps as the woman laid out covers between my legs, and felt for a basin of warm water.

"I can't! I cannot do this!"

"You must girl! Your child is coming! Push now!"

_I would die here I am sure of it. _

"If you cannot save me, please save my child."

With that last ragged breath I begged her for that mercy and a final agonizing push brought my child into the world. I leaned back unable to move from my exhaustion as I heard the baby inhale his breath and let out a wail. I wanted to prop myself up but I did not have the strength, and I heard the water drip as the rag was doused in it to clean his flesh. She brought him to me swaddled in a blanket and laid him in my arms. He was so small and his eyes were trying to adjust to see me, and when they opened fully he let out a cooing sound and I began to cry. All the hatred I had for this world seemed to evaporate and blow away by a cleansing wind. I loved him with every part in me, and it felt as if it was bursting out of my soul as I placed a gentle kiss on his soft forehead, and another on his pink cheek.

_Thank you. _

The blind woman was a widow now forgotten by her grown children, and she showed me how to care for my son. She taught me how to hold him properly and crotchet him clothing to keep him warm in the bitter winter months that would come. I had learned long ago how to take care of a home by my own mother, but taking care of a baby was new to me. He seemed so fragile, and a few times she teased and said how he was not made out of glass. She let me stay and in turn I showed my gratitude to her kindness by keeping her house immaculate and prepared meals for us.

In the summer I planted outside while she watched from the porch, calling me in when Andrés grew hungry. She seemed happy to have a little one around and I grew fond of her, and when she passed in her sleep I felt lonely again. I remember the sun filling the room and shining on the bassinet where my baby slept and it was if she was reminding me I was not alone.

I had a child, and he needed me. And I loved him.

Despite everything I could never deny him. Deny him that love. Deny myself that love he gave to me as well. I did not want to.

Her house became our home. Our sanctuary.

It seemed lost in time, as if it never aged here untouched by the rest of the world. I would watch the sunset with Andrés feeding quietly on my breast. He would always stare into my eyes and I would sing to him the song I always sang. The song my mother sang to me as a child. He would reach up and twist his fingers around my necklace, always entranced by the way it gleamed in the setting sun. I reached up to my neck and felt nothing now, and I thought to when I had given it to my son. When I thought there could not possibly be any more tears for me to shed I wept once again thinking of his face.

_You will always stay with me right mamá?_

I dropped to my knees whispering for him to forgive me for not staying with him. For not being able to protect him. For not being able to die with him.

I began to hear music faintly and thought I was only imagining it, but it came to my ears clearer now. It was filled with so much beauty, so much loss and despair, and…

"Life."

My body grew rigid at the whisper of a word and I became furious. Without another thought I stood up whipping open the door with a loud crash to find its source. I saw the man who had brought me here sitting at a large organ that engulfed almost an entire wall.

"Stop it! Stop playing!"

He looked at me and we both said nothing as he stood to turn and face me.

"I cannot bear it…I cannot bear to hear-"

I did not even know what it was I wanted to say. I just knew this feeling inside me ripped, and tugged with every note he trailed across the keys with unearthly skilled fingers.

"The music. It is just that-"

My throat felt as if it was swelling as he stood confused at my outburst. I walked over to the organ and waved my hands over the keys as if by some magic I would silence their hold on me.

"I am sorry if I upset you."

He stood behind me and I could feel his eyes watching my movements and I put my hand down at my side.

"There is no need to apologize Erik. It is I who should ask for your forgiveness."

"There is nothing to forgive. You committed no crime against me."

He closed the cover to the keys and the sound echoed louder in my head as a slicing pain shot through me. I placed my fingers on the bridge of my nose and tried to steady myself against the bout of dizziness that overcame me.

"You have not eaten anything in days. You barely drink any water. I have noticed the trays practically untouched after I left them with you."

"I do not wish to eat or drink."

The words came out harsher than I had intended and the force in my voice only made the pain in my head worse.

"Perhaps some bread I suppose."

I picked at the food he had placed in front of me with an air of indifference and noticed him pulling out the chair across from me. He ate nothing, but sipped calmly on an herbal tea. The scent of it seemed overwhelming to me, and the pain in my head was exacerbated by its fragrance.

"Here, drink this."

He produce a small vile seemingly out of thin air and inside it held a clear liquid. I opened it to smell its contents, but only could make out a pleasant floral smell.

"Rose water?"

"Rose oil is one of the ingredients inside of it, yes. It will help your head. It does not have an unpleasant taste I assure you."

I looked at him and wondered what other remedies he knew.

_Or if he knew any of a more insidious nature. But that would be far too much of a mercy for you __Lhérie__. _

I drank it down putting the cork and empty vile on the table. My eyes began to feel heavier and I thought it had been a sweet poison. It would be a kind death, but I did not collapse as he began to speak again.

"When I buried your son…"

My mind quickly sobered and I grasped the edges of the chair tightly until my skin threatened to break, and I wanted to hold on to that pain to remain coherent to his words.

"I saw he had a necklace on. It did not look like something a boy would wear. No, it was far too long and delicate looking. I took it off of him because I thought you might want it. Something to remember him by."

"Something to remember him by."

I repeated his words in a daze and he went into his pocket and pulled out the string of gold reaching it out to me as the pendant swayed back and forth. A gasp left my mouth and I was afraid if I touched it, it would disappear. Slowly I reached my hand out for it and he dropped it into my upturned palm.

"I hope you are not angry that I took it off of him."

Angry? How could I be angry at such a thing? I had given it to him, but he was right, it was something to remember him by. I ran my fingers along the length of the chain and thought of how Andrés would take it out of his shirt when he thought I was not around and looked at it, stroking the pendant and whispering the word _mamá_ with a smile. He thought of me when he looked at it, and now as I stared at it, it bore his face. I brought it to my lips and kissed it as tears fell from my eyes, and faintly I could still smell him. This was not the blood I could not rid myself of, this was him.

Alive. My boy. _Mi niño hermoso_.

I clasped it around my neck, and looked back at Erik.

_Could any words express my level of gratitude?_

He had given my son a resting place with such care, and returned this to me with sincerity in his words all with the promise of nothing in return.

_Why? You owe me nothing. _

I got up and walked to stand by his side. He turned in his chair and looked at me quietly, and if he was thinking anything his face revealed nothing and it was as emotionless as the porcelain mask he wore.

I reached my arms out and wrapped them around him. I pressed my face on the side of his chest and held him close to me. His body tightened up and he did not move or speak, and I was not even sure he was breathing.

"I have never embraced a man before."

The confession came out of my lips and it saddened me. I have been touched, but have never touched a man. I felt his arms raise and hover over my back for a moment. I closed my eyes and my tears seeped into his silk vest.

His arms came down at that moment and softly rested on my back.

How could I repay you Erik?

_When she had left the kitchen I still sat in the chair thinking of her words. I was not sure what she wanted of me, and when she had embraced me and cried into my chest a part of me wanted to push her back and leave the room. _

_**You do not know the beast you touch child.**_

_When I felt her tears and those silken strands of raven hair touch my skin the breath seemed trapped inside me. I too have never embraced a woman. I did not dare admit it to her, and I could not understand why she would try and find comfort from me. _

_**I would have left you to do die woman. Left you to rot in that watery grave. **_

_But you didn't Erik. You saved her. Why? _

_When she burst into the room I was composing in I at first could not grasp her words, or lack of words really. I would have dismissed her out of the room had I not felt the very same thing myself so many times. Countless times I wept in that room playing every instrument but remaining unsatisfied with how they could not express my hurt. Lost in my loneliness, I called out her name wishing she would somehow hear my cry for her. But silence was my only company. The music became too much and I could not hear a note that did not bear some resemblance to her smile. But I would stop playing all together when I thought of __**her**__. It always came back to her. Sometimes I would forget what she looked like since so many years have passed, but when the silence oppressed the air I could see her face clearly. _

_Why could you not love me?_

_This woman loved her son that was clear to me, but why could my own not do the same?_

_True the boy did not have this face._

_I tore my mask and slammed it down onto the table. _

_Would she seek him if he was a demon child?_

_Not even these eyes were saved from the unholy hand that made this face._

_They too glowed with my unbridled hatred for this world, and anyone who met their gaze was bound by fate to have them be the last thing they ever see. _

_A testament to what lies in my soul. _

_The fire of Hades burning in them, claiming me as his brood._

_A demon. A monster._

_What mother could love such a face?_

_Surely not my own. _

_I too understood how the music served only as a reminder of what you desired most in this world. _

_We barely spoke to one another and nights I would lay awake in my coffin and hear her crying for her child. I had never heard such a sound, and it would echo in my mind even if all was quiet. Even in her misery in some sick way I was glad she was here. This loneliness has been poisoning me slowly for years, and even in her tremendous grieving she was still someone. _

_Someone here with me._

_I did not lock her away in my house although I was tempted to do so. She did not leave my home now, or when we were above surface. There would be a time when she would though. There would be a time when she would not lament over her loss so gravely. She would no longer be lost in that endless nightmare, and would not stay here with Charon as she called me once. _

_Everyone leaves in one way or another. _


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

_There it was again. _

_I sat up in my bed and stopped breathing for a moment so I could catch the sound again. It was a very low banging noise and at first I heard it in my sleep but when I opened my eyes it sounded as if it was coming from above me. It was such an odd noise, like the steady hammering of a floorboard but the next thump came so slowly after the preceding one it couldn't be anyone working. I walked out of the room I slept in which was not really a room at all. More of a matchbox it seemed to be for an office but how anyone could fit a desk or chair in there without disassembling it first was beyond me. It was easier for her to keep me in here. Keeping me in the farthest region of the house away from her, but yet still remaining under her roof. _

_**I may be out of sight, but I am not quite out of your mind am I maman? **_

_A dark smile formed on my face and I reached up to find it bare. I quickly knelt down to grab my mask from the side of my makeshift pillow to put it on. It was more of a worn rag, but she insisted on me wearing it. Better to see a filthy piece of cloth than my face. I looked down to where I slept and folded the blanket neatly and I wondered if dogs had better places to lie their heads down at night. _

_But I am but an animal as well. _

_I threw the wash rag into the basin of water in frustration from still hearing that noise. If it was a rat caught in a trap I would ease both of our suffering from this infernal sound. I opened the door and looked around and saw only a lone arm chair in the corner of the room. Neglected and covered in dust. My mother liked to lie in bed most of the time as of late. Sometimes I would hear her cry in her room whispering her darkest confessions to the walls about how she wished she would have died giving birth. How she wished we would have both died. _

_**There are ears who hear in these walls maman. **_

_Her hatred for me was so clear yet I pursued her anyway. Inside I too felt hate for her, but a part of me wanted to believe there could be something. Something inside us both that could hold some type of affection. Some type of love. The beatings were nothing compared to her words. If I bled those wounds would be mended. But what could not be bandaged was her malice towards me. _

_A demon._

_A monster._

_The very evil of the Devil was housed inside her womb and she gave birth to a beast, and like a beast she kept me away from the world feeding me occasionally although I had already gotten accustomed to not eating for days. My chains were not visible but she held those as well. This house is my cage. I hated her, but there was always a void inside that pushed its way into my mind and heart, forcing me to acknowledge it even though I tried my best to ignore it. _

_This loneliness. _

_Knowing she was mere steps away, but might as well been in the Heavens. Untouchable. Unreachable. _

_**I cannot love you Erik. I will never love you. I never have. **_

_The words repeated in my mind for days, months, years, it seemed they played for all eternity on a merciless cycle. _

_Why could you not?_

_I reached up under the mask to feel my face once more. _

_If I could rid my face would you feel for me? Feel anything for me other than hatred?_

_Abandoned by my father that grew tired of my mother once he had his fill of her; she was left with nothing but a decaying home, and a beating life inside her. I wonder if he had stayed to see me what he would have done. Perhaps he would have killed me. _

_What mercy! _

_What is this life but a plague that drains you with all its hate? _

_There were times where I saw in her mind she thought of killing me. Times where she was adamant about me eating a certain broth with an unusual smell while she ate nothing. I would not say no to death, but to give into her games so easily I could not do. I would be a more worthy and stubborn opponent than that. _

_The house was extremely quiet. So quiet my breath sounded deafening. But this quiet was not one of solace, it was ominous and the air around me felt heavy. The sound came again and it seemed so much louder in this forsaken silence. I walked up the stairs without a sound, approaching to where I heard it was coming from. I stood in front of the door and inside me I did not want to know anymore what the sound was. I wanted to shut my ears and drown out all thoughts, but my hand was at the handle turning it. _

_The entrance into her room. Into my mother's room. _

_I looked up and I could not move. Everything in me wanted to believe it was but a cruel nightmare, but the banging would not permit it. It was if it had a voice yelling at me to look. _

_**Look at it Erik! **_

_The rope was tied to a light fixture on one end, the sturdy iron able to withstand her lithe frame. The other end was fashioned into a noose that dug into her purple skin rubbing it raw. Her body swayed into the wall over and over like a human pendulum, making that horrible noise. _

_But her eyes. _

_Oh God her eyes. _

_They were completely open and looked as though she was looking directly at me. Right through me, clawing into my soul and telling my mind the final words she wanted me to hear but did not need to speak. _

_**You did this to me Erik.**_

_**You killed me. **_

"Erik! Erik it is just a nightmare!"

He jolted upright and grabbed onto me so desperately sucking in the air as if a lead weight had been taken off his chest.

"I can see her face! Her eyes in the dark! The sound always! Always echoing!"

He was screaming so loudly and still seemed to be half in this nightmare and I shook him with all my force trying to get him to come back to me.

"Erik! Listen to me! You are alright now! You are alright and you are here in your home with me!"

His arms tightened around my waist like a vice and the strength he possessed startled me. I looked down to where he was sleeping and I stopped breathing for a moment.

A coffin. A place for the dead.

I had not seen it before in my haste looking throughout his home for my son. I thought of Andrés in a coffin like this beneath the ground, and how he would sleep for all time.

_I wish I could hold you one last time little one. _

The sound of Erik crying brought me out of my thoughts. He clawed at my night dress and spoke words into the fabric that were incoherent and muffled. He took a shaky breath and looked up at me.

"I saw her when I was a boy Adriana. I always see her now. My mother…hanging. That noise! That horrid noise of her swaying! The way her body kept hitting the wall…I can hear it still. I can see her eyes now; in my waking mind I can see them. She killed herself because of me! It was my fault! I killed her Adriana!"

My blood ran cold at his words and I thought of what he saw. Good Lord you were just a child. Just a boy seeing such an awful thing. How could you think such a thing Erik? How could a child be the reason to pursue death, when mine was the reason I sought life?

"Shhh. You have no blame Erik."

I stroked his head and ran my hands down his back. He was so tense. Like every muscle in his body was sent into panic.

"How can you say that I have no blame? Of course I am to blame!"

He stood up and grabbed me by the waist again, but this was with such force it frightened me.

"You do not know woman! You do not know what I am! The animal, the monster you sleep in the very room next to! The demon who roams these halls! She hated me because of my face!"

He pointed to his mask and his eyes were like two blazing fires consuming all in its path and I wanted to run from him, I wanted to push him away but he held me so tightly as fear paralyzed me.

"Do you know why she hated me? Because of THIS!"

He ripped his mask from his face and threw it to the ground, and the shattering noise amplified throughout the house and I did not breathe.

"Look! Look at why they all hate so much! Look at why I live like a hunted animal!"

No words could form in my mouth and only intense fear flooded and pulsed through me. This unbridled rage. It was merciless, and unhinged, and I was sure this alone could kill me. Those burning eyes whose colors whipped and twisted like the fire of Hell. The eyes of predator and I was in his claws ready to be consumed. Mangled deformed flesh stared back at me, with a twisted grin whose lips disappeared into nothing on one side.

Heaven and Hell on his very face.

This was not the man who had buried my son. This was not the man who returned my necklace, and always had such an air of composed grace and elegance. I did not know this man.

"What is the matter woman? Too horrible to speak? Not even a scream? Come, come now darling! You must have one in you for me!"

I pushed him away and looked into those blazing coal ovens for eyes.

"Your face I can stand. We are all born one way or another. It is this anger I had not seen before. That is what is truly horrible Erik. You are no beast. No monster. No demon. You are but a man and if I fear anything it is your rage. For I have known what men do in violence. What they have taken from me with it."

I felt tears stream down my cheeks and his eyes seemed subdued by a merciful rain.

"Adriana…all in my path die in one form or another. I am a sickness. I am a harbinger of ill-omen. I kill all that is good."

_All that is good. You did not kill my son Erik. _

I walked over to him as he knelt on the floor crumpled into so much sorrow. I placed my hand out to the marred side of his face and hesitated for a moment. I had seen nothing like it, and my hand stood hovering above the skin. He closed his eyes, and I thought it would be painful for me to touch him. Lesions formed on the skin, no doubt irritated and raw from the constant unforgiving mask he wore.

"Erik. I am going to touch your face. Will you let me do that?"

His words repeated in my head, _hunted like an animal_.

How this world once again showed its ugliness. Its hypocrisy that would say 'love thy neighbor' behind church walls, but hate all that they did not choose, or did not want to understand. I thought of how people could be so full of malice thinking torture and death would be a fitting punishment for such a face. You have been running long before me. Long before I too came to understand how the world would not want you even in the very darkest corners, and I had paid a price so dearly.

Was it enough? Was my son enough of a payment to you?

I felt anger, and bitterness run through me once again. I looked down at him though, and saw so much suffering. A feeling arose in me and I felt the need to protect him from such a fate. But how could I protect him from anything? I could not even protect my own child.

_I too bring death Erik. _

It is I who is perched on your doorway like a raven, whispering words of the doom I will bring in your ear. But still this feeling swirled inside me, and I wanted to comfort him in some way. Perhaps I wanted to be needed once more by someone.

_Would it be so wrong of me?_

I looked at him as my question still hung in the air between us. He kept his eyes closed and shook his head slowly in refrained agreement. In a whisper I heard him say,

"If you can bear to do such a thing."

I placed my hand on the side of his face and he inhaled quickly from my touch. I ran my fingers up slowly feeling his forehead, and then trailing them down to the side of his nose that seemed collapsed. The skin was so thin I was afraid I would puncture it with my nails. I went towards his cheek which only felt like a stretched piece of cloth pulled far passed its limit over hard bone.

"Look at me Erik."

At first he did nothing but kneel there barely moving. I asked once again in a softer voice trying to will him to look up, but I do not think this man could be willed by anyone. But slowly he opened his eyes. They were towards the floor and his gaze began trailing up my body to my face, and he looked at me like he was expecting to be reprimanded or punished for something.

_How much cruelty have you known?_

"I have known true monsters Erik and I can tell you they can bear no marks or afflictions but have the ugliest souls. They can even disguise themselves as the most sanctified of men, but they are the true demons who hide under their masks."

He leaned down and kissed the hem of my dress.

"What have I done to bring you to me?"

"I am nothing to be thankful for Erik. I am…"

_Damaged_.

I swallowed hard at my words, and my hands began to shake. So many years have passed since those dreadful nights, but they broke and burrowed their way into my mind once more.

"My son…that man would come into my room at night. I did not want to…I did not want to ever sleep Erik. He did not want the church to find out."

A dam broke in me and I sank to my knees in front of him crying. I had never spoken those words to another before. Never let that secret go that weighed upon me like a dead body, pushing down until I too would move no longer. I had ignored it purposefully trying to fight it for the sake of my son. But now…I had nothing to fight for. Nothing to hold on to in this wave that was drowning me. I saw him stand up and reach into his pocket for a handkerchief, and he handed it to me. I took it without looking since I still could not bring myself to look into his eyes.

How will you see me now Erik?

_Shame wrote itself on her face, but there was no need for it._

_Of all people how could I judge you?_

_We had both confessed something we had told no one, and it seemed we were both looking for something to hold onto. A merciful rope cast to someone in the ocean praying they would be pulled ashore. She had seen my face and did not run away frightened that I would spirit her away to Hell where I belonged. _

I have known what men do in violence.

_I felt sick at the thought, but in what way was I any better? In my madness I was going to force Christine to be my bride and kill that infernal boy once and for all. _

_And what else would I force upon you Christine?_

_I am more than capable of such violence. I would have blown us all away as you both would have grown wings and entwined up to the Heavens, while I was sent to hell where I came from. I do not deserve your kindness Adriana. I do not deserve to be looked at with no disgust because inside I am ugly too. This blackened soul bitter, and resentful to all. _

_But I felt grateful to her. Why give so much grace to a murderer? It was my rage that frightened her, and the way I had grabbed her gave her such a look of fear on her face. Many had seen my face after seeking me out beneath my opera house, and when I was with the gypsies. But my face was also the last thing many of them saw. Once they saw my face their life was mine. Once you saw my face you were mine in one way or another. _

_**Leave woman. Leave while I still will let you. **_

_She held so much love inside for her son and after finding out how he was conceived I would have thought she would have left it to die somewhere. Or taken her own life. But she gave him her heart and soul and loved him in spite of everything. _

_Unconditional love. _

_I let out a breath and a part of me hoped it was my last so this void would not eat away at me much longer. I heard her walk slowly behind me, her voice still trembling from her tears. _

"_I need to see him again Erik. Please."_

_I shut my eyes at her words and thought to when she had knelt at his grave asking me why I didn't let her die. _

_Perhaps I needed you. _

"_Let us go then."_

_We treaded through the woods with barely a glimmer of moonlight revealing our path, but I was convinced even if she was blind she could find this place. She said nothing the entire way, and I followed behind like her own silent shadow. The sound of the snow crunching under my boots seemed deafening during this somber journey. She dropped to her knees and brushed fervently at the snow, as if her little one would get cold if it remained on top much longer. So long have I lived in the quiet of the catacombs, and here I was in silence once more, but I could not stand it. It was if her misery exuded out of her and made the air even more bitterly cold, and weighed down upon us. This air laced with so much loss, and hopelessness. _

_How many times has this exact cruel air filled my lungs? _

_I knelt down behind her, and I reached out to touch her shoulders, but stopped. She turned her head slowly to me, and her eyes were pooled with tears. I felt myself begin to fill with rage for the man who hurt her and her child, but I snapped out of my vengeful thoughts when I heard her voice come, barely above a whisper. _

"_I wish it was me in this grave Erik. My child. Nailed in a wooden box never to laugh again. I will never hold him again when he has a nightmare, and sing him back to a peaceful sleep. I will never kiss his cheeks, and hear him tell me how much he loves me." _

_Her voice was broken and she could barely contain herself anymore. I wanted to weep for her, weep for her loss, and take all her pain upon myself until it killed me just so she would not have to endure it any longer. I deserved to die anyway. She laid her head on my chest, and my arms instantly wrapped protectively around her. I was convinced at that moment that nothing could break my hold on her. _

_How many times have I wished I could undo the past?_

_She wept into my cloak and I could feel her tears seeping through the fabric. Each one filled with so much agony. I wanted her to cry more so I could absorb all her tears and somehow also absorb all her heartache. Her sobbing began to shake her body violently, and she gasped each inhale of this bitter air. I rested the side of my face in her silken hair, and held her. _

"_Hold me tighter Erik." she begged. "Don't let go." _

_How could I let you go now?_

_I pressed her body as close as I possibly could, prohibiting even the faintest bit of light to pass in between our frames. She continued to weep into my clothes, grabbing at my cloak as if she was assuring herself I was still there. I pressed a light kiss to her forehead, and reveled in the softness of her skin. She was not pushing me away or was repulsed by my touch._

_No._

_She invited it, begged me for it even. I could not help but admit that it made me feel human. Like a taste of the normalcy I always chased but was forever denied. It made me feel like a man and not a monster. I put my fingers through her hair and a curl imprisoned one of my fingers in its inky web. _

_**A man. **_

_**Just a man. **_


	8. Chapter 8

I looked at my son's grave and ran my hand along the stones that were carefully placed forming an outline of where he was buried. The barren trees would bloom in spring and life would awaken all around, but he would still remain sleeping.

_No. he is not just sleeping you fool._

Say it! Say what he is!

I clenched my fingers, beating them into the ground and letting the confession slice its way out of my body.

"He is…he is dead. My son…my son is dead."

I placed my forehead to ground weeping into the earth that sealed him away from me.

I had not admitted those words out loud. Refused them, denied them to come from my traitorous mouth that would not let me remain silent. When I heard them spoken aloud what little was left inside me was breathed out, and evaporated into this bitterly cold air. I looked up to the sky and screamed. I yelled with every ounce of rage and loneliness. I wanted to rope the words back into my mouth so perhaps they would not be true if they were not said but I knew he was gone. He was beneath me now; too far for my reach and I wanted nothing than to be with him once more.

"Andrés…"

Another scream agonizingly forced its way out of my lungs and I asked myself why it was I that remained living. I turned to look at Erik and a part of me felt hatred towards him. A bitter rage building in me.

_What right did he have not letting me die? _

"Why have you done this? Why did you save me? I have no right to live Erik. A mother should never have to live on as her child is robbed of life!"

I clenched my fists letting my resentment towards his act of pity drip into my words, and I wanted him to take it back so I would not have to endure this any longer.

"If I asked it of you, would you kill me?"

The wind swept up some of the snow, twirling around us while we both stared at each other in silence. It would be only right to have him end my life when it was mistakenly saved by him.

_You are a fool Erik._

I am no good and deserve nothing in this life. I stepped closer to him asking once more while never losing sight of the molten hues of his eyes against so much desolate white around us.

"I feel as though I do not have the strength to do so on my own anymore. I do not think I have the strength to take my life although the thought seems more constant than every miserable heartbeat in me." My words choked out and took in a deep breath. "Would you take back what you have done Erik?"

"What I have done? Are you reprimanding me for saving you from drowning in my lake?"

His eyes began to flare again, changing to that primitive color focusing in on me.

"Reprimanding you? Don't be so childish Erik! I never even asked you to save me! Answer my question damn it!"

He stalked closer to me like a panther with his face now covered once more by a different mask formed from leather. It made him look half shadow in the snow. It looked insidious, deathly, and I only asked him to personify such an image.

"I would have left you to die woman!"

"Then why didn't you Erik? I am no one to be saved. Not by any man and not by any God!"

He halted in his strides towards me and his eyes looked into mine and held them with an iron hand. He breathed in and spoke in a dangerously low tone.

"Many have died at my hands, but I do not want your blood to be on them as well."

There was a moment of silence between us that felt stifling and suffocating. His confession to me was so flat; killing seemed as trivial as the weather. I found his eyes unsettling at that moment choosing to look past him into the empty forest.

"So you have killed before then."

My own thought, I did not realize I had breathed it out loud until I heard him speak again.

"Yes. I have killed many men…and many times I have enjoyed it. Does that frighten you?"

His voice sounded dark and my body trembled at the sound of his words, and a part of me wanted to admit yes, but I thought for a moment and looked back at my son's grave. Had I not wished that I had killed that man before I left his grip? Had I not thought of the worldly desire to find some kind of revenge? But I had not taken a life. No I had not, but inside I felt myself slipping further into the darkness shrouded over me and I wish I had.

I wish I had killed him.

He _deserved_ to die, and I did not feel sorry for those thoughts. I looked at Erik again thinking of how composed about answering he was.

"What does it feel like Erik? Does it feel good?"

Still looking off into the woods I felt that shadow pull me, placing a hand on my shoulder and making its way further inside me as if longing for its home. I looked back at him and he seemed surprised by my question. His mouth opened slightly and whatever words he was going to say were quieted in his throat. There was a time the ease of his confession would scare me, but what value does my life hold anymore? Was I not asking him to do to me what he has already done to others?

"It does not frighten me Erik. I do not believe you could do anything to me that has not already been done. After all, I have already died more than once."

What might have been a laugh huffed out of me in a sinister manner, and I could hear the frigidness of it that matched the air around us.

_Charon will you be my oarsman next time as well?_

"A blade is already lodged inside me and is only waiting to be turned at the hilt. Would you be the one to finish it Erik? Could you not think of it as a mercy? I am already dead yet my lungs still inhale this putrid air, and my heart beats the poisonous blood that courses revenge and contempt through me. It is a slow excruciating torture and I wonder if you too wait for the mercy of death. I am already wandering through this limbo that is also my Hell."

I banged my fist on chest trying to force my stubborn heart to cease beating welcoming death like a waiting guest. I looked up to the sky and thought of how foolish I had been for so long.

"There is no Heaven you see Erik. There is no God. There is no mercy, and no eternal love from Him. My son…my son will always remain here! Decaying beneath the ground!"

I pointed to his grave as I screamed out the words scornfully. What mercy could come that would make me heal from this?

"What God would do such a thing? Tell me! One that does not exist Erik!"

I heard the blasphemous words rush from my mouth like a current and I did not care to stop them. I am already damned. I hated myself, I hated that man, I hated the church, and I hated God. It was the truth I denied and fought to hold onto before, praying for His grace only to receive more punishment. I wanted the strength to take my own life but I had none left.

_Why could you not just let me die Erik? _

"I am a murderer Adriana. I have not bound you to me and it would be best for you to leave me and go as far away as possible. I would give you enough money to live a life of comfort anywhere you choose. Away from me. Away from those thoughts."

He began to walk towards his horse and stood beside it. I felt mad, possessed by the suffering that housed inside me and began lashing out at him.

"How could I possibly get away from those thoughts Erik? Take some francs and get on with my life somewhere else! You think I could just forget with a change of scenery? If you are a murderer than kill me!"

I rushed over to him seizing him by the front of his cloak clasping onto it with both hands.

"Do it! Do it you coward! Take my life as you have done with others! Why am I so different? Why did you let me live? Tell me!"

I shook him while my tears came down and I wanted them to dry up along with the rest of my corpse. I yelled through them trying to rid myself of my choked voice I despised the sound of. He grabbed my wrists pulling me to him and put his face down to mine and those cauldrons of eyes were lit once more.

"Kill you then? Why do you put such a thing above my head woman?"

"I do not deserve life Erik! End it! End it for me! I beg you!"

I banged on his chest thrashing at him and he grabbed my shoulders fiercely and I did not fight him. It did not matter what he did and if provoking him would work than so be it. He shook me while speaking in a loud growl, the predator in him flashing his teeth at me.

"You deserve more than this Adriana! More than to be around me! I am poison to you already!"

His words began to sound broken and an intense anguish flooded to the surface, which he tried with all his power to contain beneath the surface.

"You loved him! You loved your child, and for that I envy him! I envy you both! I can't…I just can't."

His voice dropped to a whisper and I heard him say,

"I cannot kill you like I killed her Adriana. I cannot bear such a thing again."

The words left his mouth with so much sadness and he left his hands on my shoulders no longer in the vice he had over me. I looked at his mask that tied at the back of his head and thought of what was underneath. What he wanted to hide or even forget. The blame he carried on him. How could a mother be so cruel and reject the very life she gives? I felt grief for him and his plight but knew I could never truly understand it entirely.

_But I understand loss. _

"Why do you envy me Erik? I could not save him …it should be me beneath the ground. I loved him and I will always love him but…I could not save him Erik."

I grabbed his hands and put them on my throat.

"Save me once again but not from death but this empty life. I can't Erik…I cannot go on anymore. Please…"

His hands rested on my neck and he looked down at them contemplating my request. I felt a small amount of pressure hearing the leather of his gloves twist and I closed my eyes. I felt him release my neck and he did nothing. I fell to me knees in front of him clinging onto him disappointedly as the tears dropped into the snow beneath me. He grabbed my hands and threw them off of him. Seemingly exhausted, he rested his weight on the horse turning away from me.

"I cannot Adriana. Please… do not ask it of me."

I stayed on the ground crying silently now hearing his words and seeing my son's face.

His eyes…

I heard my relentless cries and curses to the heavens. Begging for him to be revived. And yet, _nothing_. I prayed to no one but the sky above that was as barren as the ground that covered his grave now. A sheet of white placed over him providing no warmth. How could I escape what has been done to you _mi niño_? Where could I possibly go that would not bear your face? I hear you in my mind, and I wake when I finally do sleep, searching for your voice.

"I am not going to return to your home Erik. You did not ask for any of this."

I swallowed hard and was unable to look at him. I walked back over to Andrés' grave kneeling at it and picked up one of the stones. I felt it in my hands, smooth and cold to the touch and Andrés flashed in my mind.

_So still in my arms. _

I kissed the stone as a tear marked it and whispered words of love to it for my son and returned it to its place.

"We _both_ never asked for any of this Erik."

I walked over to his horse now just noticing how beautiful the stallion was. I reached a hand out slowly to its cheek and when he did not become startled by my light touch I brought my hand down the length of its muzzle. He carried a pristine white coat and he looked at me with striking mismatched eyes and I could feel Erik's gaze pressing on me as well.

"Take me to the border of La Roche-Guyon. When we are close I will show the path that leads to where I want to go."

I did not turn to face him as I spoke and I mounted the horse and after a few moments he jumped on and took the reins. Racing us off, back to the place that was once a home for me and my son.

I felt in a haze leaning back onto Erik, hearing distantly the stomping of his stallion's hooves beating beneath us. We did not speak and I repeated to myself that it was right to separate.

_I only bring death Erik. I am the poison. _

The dirt kicked up from under the snow and I could see we were very close. I wanted to say something to him. I wanted to apologize to him, thank him, and curse him all at once.

"It is here. Lead us to the left through the oak trees."

We went through the trees that looked like they formed an archway, riding up to where I lived. An excruciating pain jolted through me as we came to a halt in front of it. I heard Erik take a quick intake of air and I knew I did not have to ask him if what was in front of me was true or just another cruel image within a nightmare. I walked towards it as if in a trance; numb but still able to feel the knife in me twisting its blade deeper in me without pity.

Charred and desolate, what was once our home was now destroyed by a hateful fire. The outer layer of stone wavered on itself, and was left ready to fall alongside of the ravaged interior. Walls that had hidden us from the scorn and hatred of others, and provided a safe haven for us, now blackened ash. I had watched Andres take his first steps here; chasing him playfully through the now dismantled and ruined rooms. It looked hollowed out and ravaged and I could feel my side burning at the sight.

"_You_ did this. _You_ did this to me…to us. _You_ have destroyed this too."

All that you have taken from me. I bent down wiping away the snow to find blackened remains of our meager home beneath it.

"You've burned it down…"

The blade embedded itself deeper and I clamped my hand down on a piece of the ruined floorboard and my body began to tremble out of rage and misery.

It was _our_ home.

It might not have appeared to be much but it was where I birthed and raised my child, the bliss I had thought I would never know filling it.

"And now…I have nothing…not even a place to go and die in."

I wanted to be left there within what was now a hollow grave site. It viciously reminded me how I too was destroyed and with only a gust of a foul wind would fall completely.

There is no place for me to go now. I will die right here.

I laid down on my side clutching onto the pitiful remnants of what was once our home and stayed still, trying to force myself to stop breathing and making my heart stop beating. I saw Erik walk around placing his hand on the weakened stone as he looked down at the destruction shaking his head but saying nothing. Once more I was grateful for his silence. He turned to me and I tried to tell him to go but words no longer wanted to form in my mouth. Beyond speech, I looked into his eyes accepting defeat and wanted him to leave me here. Staring into the distance, not even tears came to allow me to mourn this loss.

"Adriana..."

I felt him place a knee beside me, putting a gloved hand on my shoulder and I did not turn to where his voice was coming from.

_This emptiness._

His arms reached beneath me picking me off the ground. The suffering once again controlling me I resisted in his grip pushing him away from me as he fought to keep his balance.

"Let me go!"

I twisted out of his hold, slapping him in the face as a curse flew from his mouth and I fell to the ground.

"You cannot stay here! You will freeze to death! Or what if someone finds you?"

"Then let them come! I'll take every last one with me to the grave! Don't forget to leave me a coin before you go Erik! I will need to pay you for your services next time!"

A twisted laugh came out of me, its madness and despair filling and entwining with this toxic air.

"Get out of here Erik! Leave me be! Let me die alone like I deserve!"

My feet swayed and I felt weak. Like what was left of me was being spirited away. A black cloud began to blind my vision and I hoped with every ounce inside of me that this was The Reaper extending his hand towards me and I was more than willing to snatch it. I thought I heard what sounded faintly like Erik's voice calling to me but it seemed so distant. The last thought I had was his stallion's mismatched eyes looking at me and the vision of him without any bearings running freely in the snow.

I began to hear a soft voice in a tone I recognized and my mind began to try and focus on what it was. It swirled in my memories pulling me into a clearer state of mind.

It was a song.

No. _Our song_. My child's lullaby.

I opened my eyes in an instant awaking on a bed of snow looking around but seeing nothing but the seemingly endless empty white ground that surrounded me. I felt exhausted, stumbling over myself as if I had consumed too much wine and I tried steadying myself. I closed my eyes partially unused to the light that seemed so intense reflecting harshly off the ground. I took a step forward hearing the sound of my foot go into the powder and tried willing my eyes to open more. I heard the song come again and I knew that voice. I walked closer to where it sounded like it was coming from, my steps now rushing towards the sound.

I then immediately stopped and did not dare to breathe.

"Andrés?"

I saw him smile but it was not to me but to Erik's stallion that bowed his head and let my son reach a small gentle hand to caress him adoringly. I did not want to lose sight of him and walked slowly towards them both, worried if I ran or even blinked he would disappear. I reached my hand out walking closer to him whispering his name.

_Please…let me hold you again. _

He turned to me flashing that beaming smile that always illuminated my path and I could feel tears fall from my eyes and I stretched out my hand to his cheek letting it float above his skin and I thought of how cold he felt when I had touched his skin before. The way the life was leaving out of him and I could not stand to feel that again, but wanted more than anything for just another moment with him. He looked into my eyes and leaned forward letting his cheek be cupped in my hand and I gasped when I felt heat from him.

"Andrés…"

I knelt down pulling him towards me pressing him against me desperately daring anyone to come between us.

"I have missed you so much _amor_."

I pulled him away from me slowly, once again fearing I would see his lifeless face. But when I looked, his eyes were clear looking at me lovingly like he always did and I began crying so hard. Kissing his face and holding him tightly to me again I felt him give a light sigh and his arms wrapped around me.

"Mamá. I missed you so much."

"I'm here now my love. I will never leave you again. I was so lost without you."

He pulled back from me walking closer to Erik's horse petting his side.

"Why did you leave me mamá? Why didn't you stay with me?"

On my knees I moved closer to him reaching out only to have him turn his face when I tried touching him.

"Andrés I-"

"Why did you leave me?"

Tears formed in his eyes and his voice shredded through me. The amount of betrayal burning me more than the consuming fire that took our house.

"I am so sorry _hijo_. Please. Please forgive me. I am here now. I will never leave you. I love you so much."

I tried holding him but he slapped my hands away the sting of it scraping against my very being.

"Please Andrés. Don't be like this. Forgive me _hijo_…I would never leave you I swear to you."

He began to cry and I wanted to wipe away each tear and never let him go but he would not let me touch him. I saw him look past me and back away and I turned around and saw Erik's face.

"Does he like my horse Adriana?"

My mouth felt dry and I kept staring at him unable to concentrate on his question. He walked closer to the stallion petting it gently and the creature basked in his master's affection.

"His name is Caesar."

I looked back seeing Andrés hiding on the other side of the horse poking his head out watching him cautiously. I heard Erik walk closer and I quickly moved putting myself between him and my son.

"Don't come near him!"

He stopped and I fixed him with a steel stare unwilling to let anyone part him from me again.

"Why do you not want me near him? I will not harm him."

I backed up further to Andrés becoming a brick wall between them.

"Don't come near him…"

The air felt colder now and it was as though I had not realized it before.

"He is an excellent horse you know. Very intelligent and loyal. Have you ever ridden a horse Andrés?"

Erik was looking at the stallion while talking and I saw André's step out hesitantly from where he was standing but when he looked at me he stopped; my eyes warning him to remain still.

"No he has not. At least not on his own."

He shook his head in understanding and then reached into his pocket pulling a knife out and I strode back further to be directly in front of my son balling my hands into fists. He looked at my hands and pulled an apple from the other pocket slicing into it and biting into a piece, then cutting another giving it to Caesar.

"He likes to be treated. Would Andrés like to give him some?"

He held a hand out with a piece of the fruit and I looked back at Andrés who was smiling and began to walk towards him and I turned towards Erik and slapped the fruit from his hand picking up Andrés and rushing away in the other direction. I heard him run up to us after leaning down to pick the apple from the ground.

"Where are you going Adriana? You do not even have shoes on."

"What?"

I looked down at my feet and he was right. They were completely bare and the ice around seeped into them and I now felt how frigid they were. He lowered his voice making it soft.

"Where are you Adriana?"

I shook my head and held Andrés tighter to me.

"Where are you right now?"

I kissed my son's forehead and looked out into the distance thinking of his words.

"I am dead. I'm dead Erik."

I closed my eyes putting my head on my child's shoulder and I felt his hand on my shoulder again.

"You are not dead Adriana. But you are not fully awake now either."

My eyes opened and I looked into my arms and saw nothing and I spun around calling for my son. I ran my hands into my hair screaming his name out and Erik placed both his hands on the sides of my arms letting out a sigh.

"I thought…I felt him though Erik…did you not see-"

His eyes looked down solemnly and I knew he didn't.

"No…how could you? He is dead. Isn't that right Erik?"

He took off his cloak wrapping it around me even though the cold reminded me of my mortality making me want to shrug off the heavy material and embrace it.

"I will take you back inside. I-"

"Where have you brought me?"

I looked over his shoulder staring into a secluded house that looked barren.

"I have brought you to a house I have for safety purposes. If I was to be driven out below the opera house I wanted something to be able to rely on."

I walked closer to the entrance thinking of why he would be chased after again.

_I am a murderer Adriana._

A tremble passed through me as I looked into the doorway he had opened while he stood next to the entrance.

"Why didn't you bring me back to the opera house Erik?"

"I think it would be better to be away from there for a while."

He did not elaborate further and he removed his gloves and walked inside. I did not follow him right away but stared at the house and felt its emptiness.

This is no home. It never was.

Not only had I been living with an odd man who took to living beneath an opera house, but I would now be sharing quarters with him in a house he bought out of necessity.

_To run again. _

How long will you be running Erik? I was so tired of running a large part of me did not want to go into this house and have the door close behind me sealing me to a fate I no longer wished to partake in. Why should I hide anymore? Self-preservation seemed laughable to me in so many ways but inside I also felt bound to him regardless of what he had said to me. I did not understand completely why since pity never seemed much more to me than false fleeting remorse, but I felt more at ease when he was around.

_More at ease in the presence of a murder Adriana._

Was it the power taking a life had that appealed to me?

The control and dominance holding the thread of one's life in one hand and shears in the other, knowing that you could clamp down on it at any moment. I felt disgusted with myself at such an admission but it was already too late. The ignorance of innocence had already been dead for some time now, and this darkness made its way inside me deeper and becoming more and more acquainted with me.

Hope was as dead and buried as my son.

I walked in and shut the door behind me, letting the echo of it fill the room giving it a voice that said,

_"This is what you are now."_


	9. Chapter 9

"Could you not see it as mercy?"

_I thought of her words and how much she begged me to end her life. I felt sorrow for her knowing very well how your own strength could be depleted by loss. Even to end your own life. Clinging to me and she reminded me of a raven I had found in the Shah's courtyard. Hearing it let out a wounded cry, strained and forced. I walked closer trying to find where it was coming from and at my feet saw it hopping in the grass trying in vain to take off in flight. Each time barely making it off the ground, only to let out another agonized cry from its effort. I knelt down and picked it up and it was far too exhausted to struggle against me. _

"It is a bird of evil you know Erik. It carries destruction with it."

_You could always smell Basir's pipe before hearing his footsteps, and he marked an "x" in front of him to somehow ward off any malice the creature could carry. I looked down and pitied it though. To be feared and hated for its own nature it could not choose for itself. _

"It will die on its own Erik. That is its fate; do not deter it as you will only prolong its suffering. This raven will die, and become the earth and another will be born, that is its path. Mortality is a trait we all share, and cannot contend with. Wading in this world until divinity of the next, and like this bird we face our destiny in one way or another."

"What if we made our own path Daroga? Choosing when and how we die rather than letting a being solidify it for us."

_He sighed heavily letting out a puff of smoke, and leaned against a nearby tree. He looked at the raven in my hand with eyes that usually contained a calm sea, but now looked troubled by an approaching storm which threatened to break against the shore. _

"Do not meet your own mortality with careless haste Erik."

"I think Death would have reservations about reaching a hand out to claim the Devil don't you think Daroga?"

"Do not bring a noose upon your own neck out of arrogance. You too are carved from flesh and bone despite what is said about you."

"And what is said about me Daroga?"

"That you do not obey the Shah's orders. That you do as you please, and are a servant to no king."

"And to no man Daroga."

_He leaned his head back against the trunk and shook his head slightly. He then stood in front of me with those eyes that always held the truth behind them as much as I hated it at times. _

"Watch yourself Erik. Even a beautiful flower can be poisonous if consumed."

_Placing a hand on my shoulder, he turned and walked away and I thought of how serious he had become. There was never a lie with Basir, and in this way he was incorruptible. This was the reason he alone had any type of trust from me. After a moment in my own thoughts, I felt the shallow rise and fall of the raven's chest and noticed how it had become still in my grasp. Just barely breathing, waiting to be released from this world. _

"Why should I let you perish?"

_Did it not have the right to live like any other creature? _

_No. You can be mended little one. Your wings repaired to not be cast to remain flightless. No one comes into this world dictating how they will be born, and who they shall become. You did not choose to be a harbinger of death any more than I did._

_And yet… we have resigned ourselves to our predetermined fates. We both bring misfortune into a room; our shadows alone condemning a man to his maker._

_It twisted slightly as if trying to rebel a final time and let another pained cry out. Walking further into the garden I stopped at one of the fountains.. Leaning forward on my knees the back of my hands met the water, and another cry came out of it. Looking down at it I felt a sorrow, a pity inside me for its suffering. _

_I then submerged the creature within the water that reflected the heavens above, rippling the image of the stars. There was a brief contortion, and then it became still. As it sank to the bottom of the water I wondered if one day I would be able to have such a mercy, or if my suffering would be drawn out by my own hands. _

We had not even spent the night here and I already hated this place. I looked around the bedroom I was in, and restlessly moved around chairs, rearranged pillows. This room was more suited to be in a mad house. A stark white covered the walls, and I had already drawn the curtains after becoming so used to the darkness beneath the opera house. I placed my hands on the handles of the armoire doors, and I opened them briskly and let out a sigh of relief when nothing filled them but the smell of cedar. It was something I hated in the opera house. How personal belongings were found around the room. Drawers full of undergarments and a closet brimming with dresses that were covered in lace or silk loving hand woven into a beautiful pattern. I repeatedly scrubbed my tattered gown and dried it by the fire. It was like sharing a room with a dead woman. Erik never said a word of the woman who once occupied that room, and I thought it best not to ask. A knock at the door made my faint curiosity dissipate, and I opened it to find Erik standing there with his hands behind him.

"I have gotten groceries and a few other things so help yourself if you wish to."

"I am fine. Thank you."

Is that all you have to say stupid girl? He could throw me to the street without giving a damn, and yet here he is offering me shelter without asking me anything in return. A part of me felt in a panic and I wanted to slam the door in his face barricading myself in that mad room.

What will he ask of me then? And when?

Everything he has done, has been from his own will, but each deed only drove me into further debt with him and my heart raced with how he would collect on them. Beneath the opera house not a living soul would ever know of my demise, yet here in this place that was filled with light and doors it felt more like a sterile cage. Why did you really bring me here Erik?

"I'm going to bed."

Before he could open his mouth I had shut the door and pressed my weight on it. He did not move from the other side as I held the handle until my knuckles turned white. After a long moment his footsteps became distant, and I slumped to the floor and cradled my body against itself. I rushed to my feet and towards the drawers in search for something, anything that could remotely be used by me, but whipping each one open I only found them to be empty. Moving into the bathroom I searched as well but everything seemed untouched for years in this place. I looked at the mirror, and went back to take the cover of a pillow off. Wrapping it around my hand I began hitting the glass until it broke apart into the sink. I covered a large piece with the fabric and went back to throw myself into the stiff bed and held it in my hand under the pillow. The clock seemed like it ticked so incredibly loud, each minute dragging on as I kept myself awake and vigilant. The handle to my door shook lightly, and then a set of keys jingled and forced their way into the lock undoing the barrier between myself and everything beyond the door.

The door opened slowly and his footsteps seemed as though they were concrete blocks banging on a fragile floor beneath him. Each step closer a funeral drum for me. I could smell the foul liquor again, entwined with incense and oil that all together was putrid like a rotting corpse beneath a grave and bile arose in my throat. The air felt even more bitterly cold in that room where it seemed not even God himself could reach me. My body trembled with a terror unknown by all, and I wanted to go outside my body and be someone else. I wanted to escape my own mind that was bolted down to this earth to bear its tortures. I could feel fingers sliding up my leg and I begged my mind to go black, and my tears to cease but my body was no longer my own. Claimed, and marked by a beast, and ravaged in the darkness by a prowling wolf flashing a hideous grin of razor teeth. I wanted to scream out with every bit of terror and hatred, and plunge the shard into his black heart and twist it inside him. I wanted to watch the life drain from his eyes, like he made me watch the life leave my son. And even that was too much of a mercy for him.

The sound of the door closing again brought clarity to my mind and I looked around to see no one at my bedside, and the covers remained untouched and folded as they were. Lighting a lantern I could see a wrapped box at the foot of my bed. I got up and moved towards it, cautiously removing its bindings. I opened it and my face flushed at what was inside. Undergarments, toiletries, things a man should not be fetching for a woman. I had not expected Erik to get this as well when he left. I reached towards the bottom and saw what looked like a sheet of crimson silk. I put the lantern directly on the vanity pulling it out. A dip at the neckline, it was met with a group of lilies sewn onto the shoulders, and mirrored another flower on the side of the waist. A layered draping made up the bottom half that extended behind the dress. It was not adorned with ribbons and no note was inside. I laid it out on the bed and stared at it for a time. What is this then?

I did not understand what this was for. Why he had gotten this for me. Why he had gone through so much trouble for me, when I have only placed my burden on his shoulders as well. What had I been to him but a mad woman searching for her dead child? Tending to me and now this? I had never asked him for it. I had never complained of wearing a dress that I would rather turn into rags than share a corpse's closet beneath the opera house. This was but another coin piled up on a mound, pulling the scale further down with its weight from my debt.

_What do you want from me Erik?_

A shiver ran up my spine at the thought. What would he ask for when the copper had hit the table and no more coins could be stacked on top? How would he collect on my debt to him that in this lifetime I could never pay? What did I even have to offer him? I looked at the dress that lied silently on the bed and felt my body go numb at the sight. Everything I did after seemed as though someone was pulling me along with a leash and I was merely watching myself as a spectator. Into the bath a soak of hot water waited for me surely drawn by another's hand. An unfamiliar face in the mirror combing my hair and pinning it up in place, then tightening up the gown that looked stained in lamb's blood. Pushing me out the door and down the hall, while omitting shoes. A hand reaching for the handle and turning it without the decency of a knock, and closing it briskly behind me. The weight of the door hitting the frame and closing into place was like the sound of a vault shutting. I could feel my limbs once more and a fear amassed in me.

How could a man be paid by me?

My hands shook at that cold realization. That I could offer nothing more than myself. A payment that I doubted would be worth anything after being so sullied. How even water or a fine dress could not hide the filth that stuck to me. It was beneath my nails, in my hair, imprinted in scars that lined my back like claw marks. It would never go away. And in that box at the foot of my bed was the final word of an unspoken voucher to be claimed. Like the fattening of a cow for slaughter, you would gorge it on fine barley and wait for it to be ignorant in its bliss before spilling its blood. Why had he not taken it then? Within the core of the earth his home held no light or way of escape known to me. It would not take much from him to consume me yet he left me in that room alone. Where one woman would see such a gift and feel gratitude it only brought a sickening reality to me. It weighted on me like chains wrapped across my body.

There was a rapid shift in the darkness and even blind with just the peering moonlight reaching through the curtains there was no mistaking he was there in the room with me.

"Why have you come in here?"

It seemed that voice bounded from wall to wall landing right next to my shoulder. Even in the darkness I tried to hide how much my body shook.

"Was last time not enough? No…. a woman's curiosity is insatiable. How you ajar all the woes upon humanity from peering into a box, tempted into sinfully biting into a fruit, or entering into the Devil's quarters for a meeting no man would survive. A woman cannot deny the forbidden can she?"

Those words flooded and consumed me entirely. I followed each one to the end of an abyss and walked off the ledge. A terror pulsed through me trying to break the chain links of his hypnotic words that I felt the strong urge to obey, but were as dangerous as a blade doused in poison.

"Or have come to pay your fee for Charon not letting you gasp for an eternity in that black river?"

A wicked laugh encircled me and glass shattered violently as a wave of fire flared from the hearth, greedily drinking the oil from the lantern that lay strewn in the wood.

"It is a pity you know…that I could not give you what you were seeking."

I still could not see him and I felt myself turning to follow a voice that was as elusive as smoke, and seemed to be speaking out of the fire itself. Hands clasped my shoulders in a vice from behind, not permitting me to even turn or move. I wanted to run and cower in a corner like a frightened dog hiding from a cruel master. But my body had sunken into that floor and that grip would not allow me to even struggle. I felt him tilt to the side and lean into my ear. His heated breath a promise of what would come and I could feel my lungs constrict at the feeling.

"Forgive me for denying you the pleasure of that…tearing my mask away in my sleep!"

His words growled and branded my very being with the fury behind them. The hold he had on my shoulders was released and that laugh swarmed around the room, like the taunting of a dozen demons.

"If you wanted to stare I would not even charge you. You only needed to ask."

He appeared over me his face boring into my own, and it seemed he came out of the flames themselves. Birthed from that fire which roared in his eyes that no mortal could possibly possess. I could say nothing. My mouth felt parched from walking in the heat for days. He grabbed my hand and pulled it towards him, and up to his mask.

"Take it then. Take it off. Take it off so you can stare at me."

His eyes shackled me in place and I looked to my hand that was at the edge of his mask and I pulled myself away from his tightened grasp around my wrist. I turned towards the door and wanted to claw at it just for an exit out of that place. But that hand pulled me in the opposite direction. It was the same hand that led me to the bath, and laced up my dress. I walked over to his bed losing sensation in my body and I was grateful for that. I felt it push on my shoulders to sit me down at the bed's ledge.

_This is how he wants me to repay him. _

I swallowed the vomit that threatened to come up in my throat.

_If this is done my debt would be paid. I would not owe him anymore. _

I repeated the words in my mind over and over so I could hear no inner pleas for mercy.

"You gave me this dress…to look nice. To look nice for you."

Words came from my mouth in a whisper that sounded more and more broken. I took the pins out of my cleaned hair letting it fall loosely to my back. Slowly, I pushed the sleeves downward and heard a gasp come from behind me, and inside I felt as though once more I was dying.

"So I would repay my debt to you. So I would share your bed…willingly."

The last word burned in my mouth and I stared into the distance wanting to be free of this carcass I had been caged in. I felt his hand comb through my hair and move down my cheek. The back of his fingers trailed down my neck, and I attempted to retreat inside myself. I lied on the bed and looked at the ceiling trying to push past it to find the sky. To be anywhere but here. I felt his weight on me as I remained silent, and my mind chipped away at that ceiling searching for something other than the white that washed over it. It was less painful this way. To not struggle uselessly against the inevitable. For bruises and wounds not to reflect on the outside what you harbor inside. To not spend each moment in a state of alert watching while he stalked around me, waiting to pounce when the moment struck for a vicious consumption. I had accepted defeat, and merely lied quietly in the jowls of his mouth.

How many times can a person truly die?

_To have her in my bed this way flooded me with an ache that claimed me. Smelling her skin that was like floral silk, a guarded bloom to be unfolded. That hair spread out like ink carelessly left by my bedside when a hymn would not let me rest until it had been inscribed on parchment. I leaned my head to the side feeling the heat of my breath radiate off the skin on her neck._

_**This need.**_

_This want that pushed its way inside me until I could ignore it no longer, and sought release by my own hands. _

_But it was never enough._

_Fated to remain with this eternal thirst which distractions could only entertain for so long. Music that would play soullessly, seemingly by another's hands. A rushed walk with no destination within a now desolate opera house. When it was flourishing many women would quickly run through its halls in between acts, touching up their faces with rouge, or having a brief tryst in a quiet corner with a lover. Oblivious to anything not concerning their fool's gossip, a swift pull into the dark could make one mine easily. _

_But what pleasure would that bring for me? _

_Even paying for such a thing was no different. A woman to content herself with a few francs to stand me. Yet here she was under me and she could be __**mine**__. To feel her body's pleas for my touch, hear her moans of want. The thought alone was ambrosia I craved. Trailing my hand along her jaw something seared my fingers and I looked at my hand to find it wet. _

_A tear. _

_The sight released me from this false entrancement, and I could not believe I had been such a fool. Anger flooded through me at her ruse, and I pushed myself up to feel the air knocked from my lungs. I saw her frigid without even __the look of fear in her eyes that were now housed something much worse. Dead to all around I felt sickened by the distance in them. Open but where no soul lived. A memory carved its way forward into my conscious. _

_I have seen those eyes before. The way my mother looked as she hung in front of me. _

_I jumped off of her and could not escape their gaze. They bore into me my skin like a branding iron. I backed out of the room unable to be released by those eyes that chased me and spoke of the horrors I had committed. I saw her form in my mind as still as a doll, and just as lifeless. A brutal truth revealing itself in her act. That this was what she did when he raped her, and I had forced the same thoughts upon her. Would I also coax the same pleas for mercy she gave him and ignore them? A dry heave ravaged my lungs as I burst through the doors of the study practically falling through them trying to escape her. Running away from the suffering I had caused at my own hands like always. _

_**Look at what you have done Erik. **_

After remaining motionless for what seemed like hours, my body began to regain feeling. It felt as though I had awoken in the middle of a troubled dream, and tried to piece it into coherency. I focused on my surroundings to find coals burning low, already exhausting the wood that now was only reduced to splinters cindered in the ashes. I sat up trying to see in its limited light. The form of a chair just on the outskirts of where the light ended, a table next to the bed. The bath, the dress, the fire that was set ablaze in a fury at my intrusion that now was subdued. The bed on which I lied on wishing the heavens would tear open the ceiling and come down on me. How he did nothing to me but once again leave me be.

"Erik."

I stumbled off the bed wiping the tears from eyes, while my heavy steps romped through the halls. Stopping in front of a pair of doors, a light shone through the bottom of them. I put my hands on the handles and fought with myself for any type of courage to open them.

What would I say to you?

I leaned my forehead against the door, and let a quiet sob come out of me.

What do you want with me then?

Pushing forward I entered the room that was laced in a smoke that held a robust smell. It was not a foul one that lingered in your nostrils and stuck to your clothes, but its fragrance was that of herbs cooking on top of sweet branches and coals. A fire burned quietly in its hearth and I looked to see him watching me while seated on a leather bound chair. I do not think I could ever get used to the weight he could impose on a room. How without seeing or hearing him, his presence was still evident if he wanted it to be, and those golden eyes could be so chilling with their capability of undoing me. I unlocked myself from his sight and sat in the chair across from him choosing instead to let my eyes be drawn to what he was smoking from. What looked like a tall ceramic vase painted with an intricate mosaic formed a tulip bulb on the bottom reaching upwards into a thin neck that bloomed outwards at the top, and held a large clay bowl surrounded by small pieces of coal. A hose curved out of it like a charmed snake wrapped in a colorful fabric that led to a hand carved wooden tip. He pulled in a breath causing the embers to glow and held it in for a moment closing his eyes, and releasing it in a steady exhale. We sat in silence with only the sound of the fire occasionally snapping as the water bubbled within his pipe with each pull.

"I must disgust you."

He let out a heavy breath causing the fragrance to wrap around me in its exotic lure. Even though the words were spoken softly Erik never missed a thing.

"It is just a game for you? To see how much of a monster I truly am?"

His voice was even, and did not bitingly demand the truth but it would accept nothing more than it.

"To see if I actually keep a sheet of parchment with your dues written out in neat lines, waiting for the ink to dry before asking payment from you in such a way. I am no fool Adriana. A woman would not lay with me if she did not feel bound by some obligation to do so, regardless of the arrangement. Willingly? No. Not even an envelope of francs could persuade a woman of the night to bear _this._"

He motioned down the side of his face and turned away from me.

"You should not look so surprised. You are the first to be so brave so I should applaud your effort. But to answer your question, no you do not disgust me child. What does is what I can be capable of."

"I don't know what to say to you Erik. You have done nothing but show me grace no one else has, and because of that I thought underneath it had to be something else persuading you."

"It was never to buy you Adriana. You are a woman, not an item to be bartered for."

I reached my hand out to his face and saw him jerk his head backwards. I placed my hand at the edge of his mask and I could see his eyes that looked the same as they did at the table, and as I pulled off his mask slowly I could hear his nails dig into the arms of the chair. I moved my hands around his face running the tips of my fingers around his lips, exploring the vast difference in textures of each side, then tracing his jaw line. This did not feel the same. To be the one choosing to touch him felt like an unknown sense of control of the moment. I gently grasped the sides of his face and thought of how something as sweet and pure as a kiss had still not been taken from me. How it was still my own to give. Leaning forward I watched his eyes for any kind of rejection, and saw none letting our lips meet in a soft entwinement. A shudder ran through us both and I parted from him slowly, a tear fell from my closed eyes, and I traced my mouth with my fingers, where its delicateness still lingered. I heard Erik let out a sob that tried to remain unheard in his throat.

"No woman has ever wanted such a thing from me. Given me something as beautiful."

I held his hand up to my face and marked the back of it with another kiss. I hurt for him knowing that he no doubt also meant his own mother. Inside I cringed at the thought of her neglect and cursed her in my head for such a cruelty against her own child. I turned his hand around and ran my own against the length of his fingers; feeling callouses that had already healed caused undoubtedly from hours of music.

"You have artist's hands. The kind that create."

"And also destroy."

I looked at him and then back down to them. These were the hands that had buried my son with compassion. These hands were the ones that held me at his grave site, and lifted me out from sinking to the bottom of a cold lake. They did not seek me out in the night against my will. They did not destroy anything I held dear.

But what could they bring destruction to? Or more specifically, to whom? Once more I heard the whisper of something dark inside me making a promise in my ear that I would know soon enough.

"What else can your hands do Erik?"

I said the words while dragging his palm up my neck, then down to stroke my collarbone. How different this touch was. How it was not shrouded in violence, but solicited by me alone and mine to control. Turning his wrist and using my thumb to bring his cuff upwards, another kiss was planted there taking its time to leave his skin. I reached for his other hand and brought them both down the length of my bodice, letting them fall further to outline the fullness of my hips as well.

Eager hands suddenly wrapped around my waist opening my eyes and startling me out of my trance. He stood up crushing me to him while his mouth wet my neck with desperate claiming kisses. Holding me in place, a panic ensued in me and I wanted out of those arms.

"Please...stop. Erik stop!"

I felt his body become stiff and he pulled his hands away and I turned quickly wanting nothing more than to escape that room. Running to my room I bolted the door behind me, and began untangling myself from that web of a dress, not even bothering to shed my camisole. I turned the water on and did not wait for the tub to be filled, instead jumping in and using a brush against my skin. Rubbing it faster and faster I could see how raw and red my skin had become and I still could not get clean. Slamming the brush into the water with a yell of frustration, I began crying into my knees. I held the pendant to my necklace trying to find some kind of peace in the thought of my child waiting for me to come into bed to read him a story, curling up next to me and falling asleep before I had reached the end. But that bed would be empty. I would tell stories to no one but the wind.


End file.
